Case 6: Climb the Stairs

I was scavenging for a notebook from my high school stuff when I found my copy of our school magazine. It was the last issue I worked on before I graduated. I scanned through the pages and reread some of the articles. It is funny and embarassing that it would take a couple of years for me to realize how poorly written my articles were. And the one that made me squirm the most was the piece you mentioned in your testimonial.
Reading it now, I can see why you hated it. I was very proud of it back then but was a little sure that other people would not appreciate it. That is why I did not put my name on it when it got printed. (I was a writer who could not handle criticisms very well.) Some parts of it are too unclear. Some sentences were too long while others were too choppy. Some lines are cheesy, predictable, or just plain stupid.
That article was written (in first point of view) a long time ago, and I could say it precisely articulates what I was that time. It was my attempt to put into the words the chemical intoxication brought about by an overactive hypothalamus gland. It was not intended to be published but I could not help but show it or else explode. Yes, I used the school paper for personal interests.
I am tempted to post some excerpts from the article but too much shame might be dangerous to my health. You were way ahead of me. I do not need to hear the same advice twice.

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Case 5: Personality Defect

I want to meet someone with a perfect personality. Someone with no bad habits, no neuroses, no weaknesses. Someone who is good in every way, and in everything. Someone I would envy.
There were several occasions when I thought I found that person, but eventually got disappointed in the end. No matter how perfect a person seemed to be, flaws were undeniably present. There were always things to criticize, to be insecured about. There is always a personality defect that could disgrace that person's life completely.
Perhaps it is foolish to search for such or even consider one exists. The world employs various ways to mess someone up. Yet, it is easy for me to forget this tiny bit of fact and get into trouble because of this. Therefore I must keep reminding myself to face this ugly reality to avoid making it worse.
If I was able to do that, then our case would not have happened. It was all my fault. I got too caught up with my daydream. I was too stubborn. I should not have believed I can escape mine.

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Case 4: Late-night Walk

I just came from a late-night walk and I remembered the time (I can no longer pinpoint the exact date or year) when I almost walked my way to San Fernando. But due to exhaustion and fear, I was only able to reach a certain distance from the highway before I decided to take a rest at your house.
It started when I got pissed off with my parents, (I also can no longer remember the exact reason) and simply went out of the house and walked away from it. It was nine pm. My initial plan was to stand in the middle of the street to get hit by a truck. But that did not happen and instead I simply kept walking, past the town plaza, San Roque, and Total. I do not know the time, but I think I have walked for over an hour already. Then, I planned to reach San Fernando so that my parents could not find me beside the road. After some time I changed my mind again.
I was wearing rough slippers and my feet got wounded. The darkness of the night was constantly interrupted by fast-moving vehicles. I knew that I had to turn right to a road that would lead to Betis. So, I turned right. The road was very unfamiliar but I continued walking. I was already doubting that it was the correct one. I ended up in a narrow path between tall grasses. I was sure this was not the right path but I continued walking. I got lost. The path led to the front gate of a house I never would enter. So I retraced my steps and let the moonlight guide me. I was already scared but I did not run since I am already tired and my right foot was bleeding. I was able to return to the highway and make the right turn.
While walking on the dike, a jeepney stopped and the driver offered me a ride. It was tempting since it was still a far way from your place. I just said thanks and declined. I was too aware of the dangers of hitch-hiking. (Although I accepted an offer of a tricycle ride during another late-night walk months ago, but that is another case.) After several minutes I finally reached your place, and I found you where you were that time. At your house I wiped the dirt from my face with my white shirt. It was around midnight. I was sleepy but I told you that I will just walk home before you warned me of the drug addicts lingering beside the streets.
So from your place I slowly walked, wary of attackers. I was constantly barked at by viscious dogs. At the town plaza I was really sleepy. I looked for a place where I could lie down. Sometimes I see people here sleeping on newspapers. However, mosquitoes started to devour me until I knew it was time to go home.
I walked back home imagining my parents' rage and how would they scold me for making them worry. The cold breeze made me feel lighter. When I reached the house I was a little surprised and guilty at what I saw. The lights were still on and our front door was open. My parents were already sleeping. I did not want wake them up so I went to the parked car and slept on the passenger's seat.
I woke up early (since it was a weekday and I have classes). I saw my parents already awake and cooking breakfast. There was only silence. No questions asked. But I could sense there was kind of an understanding between us that no one wants to speak out. I got ready for school and from then on we never talked about the longest walk of my life.

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Sing Out Loud

It will be fun hearing you sing this. (If you can get the notes right.)

Atin Cu Pung Singsing

Atin cu pung singsing
Metung yang timpucan
Amana que iti
Qng indung ibatan
Sancan queng sininup
Qng metung a caban
Mewala ya iti
E cu camalayan!

Ing sucal ning lub cu
Susucdul qng banua
Picurus cung gamat
Babo ning lamesa
Ninu mang manaquit
Qng singsing cung mana
Calulung pusu cu
Manginu ya caya!

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Case 3: Suicidal Thoughts

A couple of days ago I had the unfortunate task of being the bearer of bad news. It seemed to me that the person who received it did not take it very well. I would not have worried about it if I had not remembered your case.
Ever since I have witnessed you attempt the unthinkable, I have kept on wondering if it is also common with other teenagers. Personally, I find it absurd to commit suicide over getting rejected/ignored by the person one happens to have feelings for. Of course, there might also be other underlying emotional issues involved here. One could have family problems, low self-esteem, or traumatic childhood experiences.
There was a time when I constantly entertained suicidal thoughts. (You can now assume I have those mentioned above.) Yet, I never had the guts to act them out. I fear death more than life. (Worst suicide attempt: covering my face with a pillow.) Although there was one time (I was seven, I think) when I almost cut my wrist with a cleaver. Luckily, someone was there to prevent that gruesome incident.
I guess this is why I attempt suicide: to let others see the invisible.
Eventually I have found, through the help of a friend, a great substitute: talking. I just tell someone that I am a selfish brat who craves for attention. I also learned that someone is willing to listen to that garbage. I hope you know that, too.
Now, I rarely have suicidal thoughts (skydiving included). Often, I imagine getting murdered instead.

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