Case 38: Doubt
Uncertainty gives a sickening feeling. It is like being stuck in the center of a whirling blast of infinite possibilities.
The feeling lingers unless you move forward and bravely face the turbulence. As you are lifted from the ground and tossed in every direction, you can only pray for a safe landing.
The ordeal may last just a few seconds or several hours. It may end with minor pain or total devastation. It may drop you ten miles away or just inches from where you started.
The only thing certain is that once you take the chance, it is impossible to go back.
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Case 37: Fear
One can be afraid of a lot of things. One can be afraid of being seen, other times, of being unseen.
One quietly listens to every step, identifying from whom they came. One secretly observes the slight turns, and at each attempt one stands up, peeks, and goes out for water. There was nobody.
Or one makes one's footsteps as heavy and distinguishable as possible, not even worried of being too obvious. One tries and turns and at each failed attempt, one peeks and walks on to pee. There was nobody.
We can be afraid of a lot of things. We can be afraid of seeing, sometimes of not seeing.
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Case 36: Hate
Whenever I hear your voice I get a certain pang on my head. It is terrible how it slowly tortures me to the brink of mental deterioration.
And whenever I see your face wearing that sneer my skull splits open and I have to clamber to keep it whole.
I do not know how your presence can constantly hurt me, even if I try my best to take cover, even if I play dumb to your taunts, even if I try not to look at those cold eyes.
I do not know why my body goes weak and my courage leaves me, why I lose all desire to live, to sense, to exist.
And as the sadness overwhelms me, before it totally consumes me, I will find a way to tell you this: I envy you because my self hates you more than me.
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The Twentieth
What will happen right now? You know me, I was never good at making decisions. Thank you.
Some people can handle mornings. Not me. It takes a while before I start speaking. And with you, I would rather stay silent as long as possible. It is easier to leave without a word.
There is that nagging feeling that this is the end. I can no longer look at you directly. Do I regret it? Sometimes. I also think I would regret otherwise.
What will happen right now? I am still contemplating my decision, which may never come. Happy Birthday.
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