Case 48: Wish List

For the upcoming special day, my wish list looks something like this:
1) Casio watch - Even though I will damage it after a few weeks.
2) iPhone 3GS - Even though it will become obsolete in a few months.
3) MacBook Air - Even though I will discard it in a few years.
4) You - Even though... (for similar reasons stated above)
I will probably get myself nothing, as per usual.

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Case 47: Resignation

I hereby tender my resignation, effective immediately. I am writing to you because I want you to know how I feel.
Although I have enjoyed being with you and have learned a great deal, I would really like to operate in a wider sphere, and since you have not been able to provide this opportunity, I feel that I should seek a position that allows greater freedom to make decisions and to function more independently. As you know, my status has not changed in the year I have been with you. Although you have been fair in terms of compensation, I feel the need to expand my horizons.
I leave with many pleasant memories; the experience has been rewarding in many ways. Thank you for your kindness and consideration.

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Case 46: Prescription

Kindly fill my prescription for happy pills.
One diazepam to calm me. I am eager to see you.
Bit of codeine to relieve pain. It hurts being with you.
A fluoxetine to drive away the blues. You often leave me sad.
Some caffeine wake me up from dreaming. I think of you in the morning.
Few methylphenidate during lunch for focus. I think of you all day.
Dose of phenobarbital in bed before sleeping. I think of you at night.
A shot of epinephrine to be strong. I want to tell you.
Plus lithium to be consistent. I want to make it clear.
And thiopental to be true. I want you to know.
You are my addiction, illness and cure.

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Yawn

There are instances we get caught doing something we prefer not get caught doing, and our bodies give away our embarrassment, like ears turning red. I do something unusual to express my guilt, almost by reflex--I yawn. It is as if non-verbally reasoning that boredom is an all-around excuse to do shameful deeds.
I know yawning does not hide or at least justify what I was doing, it is merely my quiet way of saying, "Oops" or "You got me". Still, the people who catch me either pretend to not see it or just laugh at the silliness of my reaction. If they point it out, I just shrug, "I had nothing better to do".
I have not been yawning too much recently, and if I do, it is because I am sleepy. That could mean I have been a well-behaved boy, or got really good at not getting caught, or stopped caring getting caught. Probably the last one is most true. I mind less and less being seen making a fool of myself. And it feels liberating.
The image of my self in you may be stained indelibly. And slowly I come to fully accept that. Fretting about it is useless. I must simply rely on your mercy. If I do not survive, then the yawn is just one big sigh.

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Sun

When you were the sun, I could only gravitate around you, but not towards you. I needed to stay close to feel your warmth, but far enough to avoid getting burned.
Fear of human contact may stem from a history of unpleasant experiences. Like the times I got electrocuted by static when I shook your hand or tapped your shoulder. And the aforementioned time we shared breathing space and you gave me measles.
Yet despite the inevitability of a negative outcome, there is a yearning for connection. I met you, magnetic and infectious that I just got hooked. So I negotiated with myself and compromised.
Put myself in a safe position as stuck as a triple point. Until a foreign particle came along, disturbed the system, and made history.

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Knee

Standing up from sleeping or sitting too long, I often feel uncomfortable tightness in my knees. I get the urge to twist/realign them, and then you may hear a sound bit similar to knuckles cracked. But along with that urge is the fear of dislocating/unhinging them, so each pop is always followed by a sigh of relief.
Life is beset with these type of situations: taking risks. These are actions that may either lead to relief or more pain. The only way to get rid of the nagging discomfort is to do it. One may try delaying it indefinitely, but the uneasiness becomes too unbearable that even pain seems a relief. In short, taking risks is unavoidable. So if you are a coward like me, you do it with a mindset that losing is still winning.
I did just that again this week. I took a risk completely prepared for the worst case scenario. In fact, I was hoping for it. It still is an unpleasant outcome, but it is preferred to the status quo. Some say the logic is too contrived to make any sense and even consider it not taking a risk at all. I say anything that can push me to move forward is welcome. I like to think this better than your bipolar disorder/self-destructive tendency excuse. Now that is contrived.
In any case, it would be not much worse than our current situation. I failed to take that risk years ago with you and we are now stuck in this limbo of nonevent and pretense. So if and when I break a knee, you will now know I was aiming for it.

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Itchy

The body sometimes reflects the current state of mind in the form of a psychosomatic illness. Since I am inept at expressing my feelings, they often manifest as fever, aches, or hives.
The first case in my memory was when we were still playing with Monopoly houses and Pog cards. This was right after I committed a felony (I lost my last shred of innocence by kindergarten), and just before I lost my brother. I woke up with a really high fever when you left. As if my body predicted we will never meet again. (I have serious abandonment issues.)
Several events after that, my emotions essentially plateaued. Joy, anger, love, hate and horror felt the same: a tightness in the chest and lingering pain. Half of the diseases I contracted were probably mere conversion reactions and drugs are placebos that made me feel well by making me feel good. Why am I bringing this up now you may ask.
Well, recently I am experiencing an annoying symptom--a rash--within proximity of someone. I initially suspected my allergy (I am hypersensitive to cream and citrus) until I acknowledged feelings as the cause. Just like my body told me you were gone, it also tells me someone is right around the corner. In a way it is the same thing, and I remembered.

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